the first post.

Self-awareness and self-esteem. Something which is so simple yet goes un-noticed by none other than ourselves. Posed a question, what's self awareness and self esteem ? What good will they do us ? Somehow these might be some reasons as to why they go un-noticed. Touching upon the more "theoretical" self awareness simply means to be aware of one self meaning to say to be able to understand who you are, the value you have instilled and your perception of the world - or rather- the society. self esteem simply is about the confidence level in ourselves, our own self worth and what we would like to "perceive ourseleves" as.

What's so great about learning all these is that firstly (as what i have mentioned earlier), in my opinion, it brings out the more so called "undiscussed" issue about oneself. It is only when we are somehow being forced to anaylze ourselves through various circumstances, that's when i think that we are able to truly understand ourselves and what we need. In the first lesson, i was somehow able to realise how "open" i am towards the people around me through the means of the Johari window. Contrary to what i perceive myself as conservative, i began to ponder, i don't think i'm really conservative. I'm able to open up to people about almost anything under the sun and the friends around me seems to know me rather well for i am able to even share my personal secrets (i asked around for opinions :x) Then what about self-esteem? Somehow i didn't really know that being a perfectionist is a tool to hide our own self-esteem. I perceived myself as a perfectionist for everything i want to get it done would have to be perfect or else i would want to redo everything again. What's meaningful is that to refrain from suffering from low self esteem, i would have to be optimistic and somehow happy-go-lucky in a way. It doesn't matter if it's a rainy day for i know that the sun would be up pretty soon or perhaps even a rainbow. It would do no good to just sit by and moan or grieve, learn to take things in our own stride and i believe in our eyes, the world might just be another better place.

Being in the performing arts, my task is to perform. Perhaps due to the perfectionist in me or my supposedly low-self esteem, negative thoughts would just stream in like "Oh no, i'm seriously not good enough" or even body language like the tensing of the body or the breaking out in cold sweat aka stage fright. However, at a deeper level, what caused my stage fright? My self-esteem. True to belief, practice makes perfect but there are times whereby the subconcious mind is so much more powerful. Even though I might have practiced hard enough, subconciously, if i tell myself "no, i can't do it", then the result would turn out to be not that great or even disasterous. Especially when put into a new environment and we have to introduce ourselves, I would be paranoid of what would people think of me, how am i like all these negative thoughts. Regarding this, I'm pretty sure all of us have had these kind of experiences before. One thing that i have an upper hand is that i was once a president of my CCA in Secondary School for 2 consecutive years. I guess this was the platform to make me not to be so afraid of speaking in public. Yet, the fear somehow still lies there for i think, no one is completely immune to speaking up especially in what i call, "alien" environment. Yet, i still have to control. I think the best way is to tell myself "yes, i can do it", take a deep breath and face the world. Somehow this will work. Instead of thinking, "No, can't, unable", i have to think "Yes, can, able". The subconcious mind really does wonders. I'll still be nervous and afraid but i know that if i tell myself yes i can, at least, i wouldn't screw things up or make myself feel worse :)

Imagining myself 5 years later. I wouldn't be a student (i think) but out there working. I guess i would imagine myself to be a career women with confidence :) I'm still not that confident enough, i'll get all jittery and my voice will be soft if i do a presentation now. But i reckon - or rather- i hope, 5 years from now, i would be someone speaking to a group of people i don't know confidently and amaze them. It would be tough but all i can do is to build up my self confidence by speaking up more often than not :) Socializing and networking would also help to boost up my interpersonal skills and my communication skills as well.

"before i want people to know me, i should know myself first"